If there is a God, why were there the 1970s?

Most of us who remember how deliciously cool the ’60s were now look old enough to be in a painting hanging on the wall of some dusty library.And if you do recall the rollicking ’60s, you definitely know how incomprehensibly horrid the ’70s were. That decade, with its disco drivel, pathetic male fashion and inane hair, was more energy-sapping than slowly bleeding to death.The only good thing I can say about the ’70s is that it was a time before smoking and drinking were capital offenses. And it was a time when I actually had time to play a little golf. Nowadays the only time I score a birdie is when my car clips a grounded robin.Which brings me to Will Ferrell, a guy who keeps bringing the dreaded ’70s flickering back to life in the movies. Which makes me want to strangle him with a leisure suit. I think Ferrell is a funny guy. But I’ve seen him over visit the ’70s time machine.Indeed, I would much rather straighten out my sock drawer, grout my tub or discuss the writings of St. Thomas Aquinas with an atheist than see “Semi-Pro” in which Ferrell plays a ’70s pop star whose passion is being the owner, coach and player of the Flint Tropics, a pro basketball team that never will be confused with the Los Angeles Lakers.And you thought ’70s pop stars were all into drugs, sex and plaid jackets.

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Finding a new location for the West Reading Elementary School doesn't have to be more difficult than finding the crown jewels at a Wyomissing yard sale

Wyomissing School District has a problem that may have even perplexed Solomon.Its aging West Reading Elementary School is bursting at the seams. Its pupils apparently don’t have enough elbow room to practice their penmanship. And the district’s efforts to find a location for a new school has run into so many detours you would think PennDOT was driving the search. Earlier proposals that would have taken about 20 homes next to the school at 421 Chestnut St. were about as popular as George W. Bush.The folks running the district are educated people and they now have come up with a couple new options.Both would take over the apartment building that was the former West Reading High School and four other properties in the 400 block of Franklin Street. One would renovate the apartment building and connect it to the elementary school at a cost of $27.8 million. The other would raze the apartment building and build a new school on the site at a cost of $31.9 million.Many of the residents in Wyomissing, if not West Reading, are filthy rich so the cost of either proposal doesn’t have too many wallets in the district screaming in protest.Still, why uproot residents from their homes? After all, having homeless people in the district, even if it’s West Reading, would tarnish by extension Wyomissing’s upscale image. Since Solomon isn’t so smart now that he’s long dead, thank God that Zeke still is alive to offer a couple of highly intelligent solutions.Why not level The Stone House on Parkside Drive South and build a new elementary school there? Granted, The Stone House is a Wyomissing landmark. But what’s more important, style or substance? If the district doesn’t soon find room for its kids at the West Reading Elementary School, they’re either going to suffocate or grow up dumber than fire hydrants. Because nobody can learn when they’re deprived of oxygen. And if losing The Stone House looks as if it may trigger an insurrection in the lovely, landscaped streets of Wyomissing, district officials simply should take over one of those massive mansions on Reading Boulevard. They probably could fit a new elementary and a new high school into one of those big babies with roofs big enough for a Boeing 747 jumbo jet to land on. And it’s unlikely the occupants of said house would be so put out they’d have to move to Cotton Street in Reading.Then again, if either of my enlightened proposals fails to fly, the only remaining option for Wyomissing would be to get out of the business of public education. Residents thus would be spared paying property taxes. Of course, the residents with school-age children would spend a small fortune on gas having their family chauffeurs drive the kids back and forth to Lancaster Country Day School.

You don't have to ask where's the beef

One of the symptoms of our decadence as a society is our obsession with silly world records. This Guinness guy is the lout who really has dummied down our culture.For example, take a gander at that 134-pound monstrosity that just broke the Guinness world record for the largest commercially available hamburger.You just know that vegetarians find this wanton excess to be particularly loathsome. As for meat lovers, this Big, Big, Big, Big Boy burger is bad news for the carotid arteries.Of course, I’d pay money to watch some big-bellied moron inhale the entire 134-pounder. I would love to see if his stomach came apart before my very eyes. Or if he came down with Mad Cow disease seconds after his last big gulp.And if somebody could eat that hamburger in one sitting, he undoubtedly would be worshipped as a deity in some circles of indigestion.

Dying in the streets at 19 is not the ideal exit

Technically I guess a 19-year-old is a man. But he’s still a kid to me.Devon Lonon no longer is a 19-year-old. He is a dead man. Or a dead kid. He checked out of this world Sunday night after he was shot twice in the head at close range at 12th and Muhlenberg streets.None of us wants to die. Especially at 19. Especially in a pool of blood at 12th and Muhlenberg streets. How tragic. How sad.It was the first homicide in the county this year. But over the span of time, his fatal shooting was playing rehashed chords.While the hurt and loss are still new and hot to the touch for friends and relatives of Lonon, we’ve been down this road around here too many times in the past. Young men blown away on the streets by bad dudes with hearts shaped like revolvers.So much for the allure of the streets. If you gotta go, it’s better to die in your bed at 80 than to die on cold asphalt at 19.Police don’t know the motive for the slaying, but the execution style of the hit makes it pretty apparent the young man didn’t die in a dispute over SAT scores.

Uncle Sam takes it on the chin at the Oscars

I didn’t watch the Academy Awards Sunday night because I was busy tuning my lawn mower. After all, spring is only about six months away — temperature-wise.Actually, I blew off the Oscars because I haven’t seen any of the nominated movies. I eventually will catch most of them at home, but lately I have been avoiding movie theaters.Why?Because many movie patrons are about as mature as 4-year-olds. And more rude than a prison guard cranky with psoriasis. It’s hard to enjoy a movie when you want to punch out half the people sitting behind you and in front of you. And set fire to the other half. The latter option, of course, is not a good thing. Fires and theaters aren’t a good mix.Granted, I did read about the Oscars today and found out that Americans can’t act anymore. We no longer have any Americans who are heavyweight champions, even though there are about 12 of them. And now we have no Americans who are reigning Academy Awards winners as actors. Will it ever end? Next thing you know, Detroit will let Japanese automakers strip their gears. Oops, that already happened? What’s next? Will all hot dogs be processed in India? Anyway, all four acting prizes last night went to Europeans: Frenchwoman Marion Cotillard, best actress for “La Vie En Rose”; Spaniard Javier Bardem, supporting actor for “No Country”; and Brits Daniel Day-Lewis and Tilda Swinton, he for best actor for “There Will Be Blood” and she for supporting actress for “Michael Clayton.”At least an American film won best movie. Then again, I guess “No Country for Old Men” means I should soon go into exile in Peru or somewhere desolate now that I’m on the fat side of 50.

And you get upset when your e-mail is slow

Mister Postman, oh yeah deliver the letter, the sooner the better You may have noticed that it’s snowing out there this Friday morning, and supposedly sleet or freezing rain is on the way. Oh, well. At least you won’t have to apply any sun block today.The weather, of course, won’t prevent your postman from delivering your mail. You know the refrain: “Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor hail shall keep the postmen from their appointed rounds.” Unless, of course, you have a motor route and you haven’t cleared enough of a runway to land a small jet on leading up to your mailbox. For the most part, postal workers do a great job. I say this for two reasons. One, my father was a lifelong postal worker who related everything in life to how things were done at the post office. Why I never became a mail carrier remains one of the great mysteries of the 20th century. Two, I don’t want any postal workers out there going all postal on me.But, truth be told, sometimes the postal boys drop the ball, er, letter.For instance, you may have noticed the piece in today’s Eagle. It took a letter 56 years to get from Germany to Wyomissing. Hell, it could have gotten here faster had somebody glued it to the back of a turtle who walked from Germany to the Atlantic Ocean, swam across the pond, and then slow-footed it from Atlantic City to Wyomissing. The letter arrived in Wyomissing Thursday. Since the cost of stamps has gone up about 104,672 percent since 1952, it apparently arrived postage due.Postal officials say they don’t know how the letter got lost or where it has been for 56 years.Probably stuck to the bottom of some mailbag.

Oley is just an empty silo without football

The Oley Valley School Board punted on starting a district football program Wednesday.What’s wrong with these guys?Don’t they know that the rest of America devours football like so much barbecued steak?Don’t they know that a high school without a football team is hollowed out, like a big fruit shorn of its ripe interior?Don’t they know that life without football is uncivil, if not downright depressing?Don’t they know that fielding a football team doesn’t have to be more difficult than opening a contrary bottle of imported beer with your teeth?Football or Latin Club? Football or Chess Club? Football or academics? Unless one is a hard-line purist who eats his morning bacon only from the right side of the plate, it’s a snap decision. It’s football. After all, a school district without a football program is left lunging for a trace of presence like a hunting dog with a bad nose. The Oley folks should relate to that. The place is full of pickup trucks and hunting rifles.A school district with so many farmers should be in pigskin heaven. Oley has plenty of full-blown, corn-fed guys to play football. Big guys like that shouldn’t have to be stuck playing the piccolo.