Before gas prices kill us, we need to hire his butt

With the prospects of a harsh winter on the horizon and exploding oil and gas prices, we need a new American hero to save the day.
Of course, with John Wayne dead, Arnold in the governator’s office, Stallone now older than the original Chinese fireworks and Batman preoccupied at a movie theater near you, we may have to import our latest hero from Scotland.
Let me introduce you to Mr Methane, the world’s only full-time professional performing flatulist.
We as a nation need to employ his services as a human renewable energy source.
Apparently this guy’s sphincter, to be polite, can launch nuclear rockets upon demand.
While he may not leave any carbon footprints behind, his behind likely will stain the landscape in another way. Of course, a little fertilizer never hurts.