Fox News, which is sort of like the word of God, reports that Christie won't be a GOP heavyweight contender

There had been speculation percolating like an old coffee pot that Chris Christie was about to forgo his promise of suicide and plunge into the GOP presidential derby.
I could be superficial and crack that such a plunge by Christie likely would drain both the Atlantic and Pacific surrounding our coasts, not to mention the Great Lakes and the Mississippi River, and trigger tsunamis of flooding.
But I’m bigger than that. Of course, not as big as Christie.
Rumors about a possible Christie bid were spreading like wild fires in Texas under Rick “What Climate Change?” Perry when Christie yesterday vetoed the Snooki subsidy, a $420,000 tax credit for Jersey Shore.
You gotta love a governor who doesn’t want his state’s image to be a bunch of fist-pumping, spray-tanning, T-shirt-loving guidos and guidettes. Good for him. Because in most states, they throw out their garbage instead of making it into a reality TV show.
But Fox News, and I do believe in Fox News and its Biblical sanctity, reported today that Christie will not weigh in for president, at least in this election cycle.
A shame because Christie sure would have given the race Ben Franklin-like bolts of lightning and Allesandro Volta-like volts of vitality.
As well as — drum roll, please! — a gigantic splash.