Was today a surprisingly good day? You can bank on it!

Things have been pretty much in the crapper for so long now that good news seems as alien to us as a Martian.
Which is why today serves as an unexpected sorbet to cleanse the bad taste in our palates.
Stocks soared Wednesday after central banks around the world agreed to pump more liquidity into European banks, an effort designed to loosen credit and stimulate economic growth in Europe and prevent its debt crisis from unhinging the global economy.
Think about it: For once, we’re not stuck in a world of deep doo-doo. At least for now, we don’t figure to spend the rest of our lives living in the doorway of an abandoned building.

The Dow Jones industrial average rocketed 488 points (4.2%) to 12,043, after sharp gains of 3% to nearly 5% on European exchanges. The Dow’s rise, mirrored by the Standard & Poor 500 and Nasdaq composite index, wiped out last week’s Wall Street losses.

Speaking of blimpo coinage, today also was swathed in some other bright economic lights: October sales of existing homes surged 10.4%. A separate report found private employers added 206,000 jobs in November — nearly 60% above some analysts’ expectations — for the biggest gain since December 2010. And China boosted global markets by cutting reserve requirements for its banks, to ease lending and keep that economy humming.


Don’t ask how Herman Cain plans to celebrate all this good news.

Cain able to survive allegation of extramarital affair on top of all the sexual harassment charges?

Without tragedy there can be no comedy.
It seems as if the Herman Cain campaign has ample dollops of both.
The pizza czar should have sold peanuts instead because his presidential bid looks as crushed as peanut shells at the Peanut Bar.
Herman Cain has told aides he will reassess the viability of his struggling campaign after an Atlanta woman accused him of conducting a 13-year extramarital affair.
How fickle fate is on the campaign trail. Cain led the Republican White House race barely more than a month ago but has nosedived in polls after a series of sexual harassment charges and campaign missteps.
A la Rick Perry, Cain has dropped like a grand piano from a 34th floor bay window.
Cain denies he had an affair with businesswoman Ginger White, who told an Atlanta television station that her on-and-off relationship with him began in the mid-1990s.
Cain reportedly wants to gauge the impact of the charges over the next few days and see if it created a cloud of doubt in supporters’ minds.
Just a hunch, but I think that cloud of doubt could cover what’s left of the ozone layer. The perception among many by now has to be that Cain’s moral values are as phony as an election in the old Soviet Union.

C'mon, man! Newt Gingrich, the soulmate of evangelicals?

Somebody, I believe it was Vanna White, once said that politics makes for strange bedfellows.
Apparently so. Supposedly evangelicals are flocking toward Newt Gingrich.
Never mind that the former Speaker has scraped fenders with adultery, not to mention bumping into the marital altar three times.
Nevertheless, evangelicals in Iowa seem to be raising a mighty Hallelujah chorus over Gingrich.
Who would have thunk it? There was a time when evangelicals never would let a guy like Newt come into their house and wipe his muddy shoes all over their white shag carpet.

Guess these folks now are like a drowning man clutching at a razor blade. They simply don’t dig Mitt Romney’s shtick because he’s a dreaded Mormon.

So they’re narrowing their focus, like sighting down a rifle barrel. They’re too myopic to see beyond their desperation. So strictly looking through a straw, they see Gingrich as the man lighting the pilot on the blue flame of family values.

Can you imagine? Lord, take me now because I’ve heard it all!

Indeed, there’s Steve Deace, an influential conservative radio show host who says of Gingrich (and I’m not making this up, trust me):

“I see a lot of parallels between King David and Newt Gingrich, two extraordinary men gifted by God, whose lives include very high highs and very low lows.”

David and Newt coupled in the same sentence? Now there is a leap of faith!

For you non-Biblical scholars out there, David committed adultery with Bathsheba, who reportedly was hot enough to cause cardiac arrest in a camel, then had her husband killed.

The logic, I guess, is that if the Bible can make room for a morally flawed hero like David, Christian conservatives can make room for Newt. All the while praying that Gingrich can slingshot a rock at Romney and then at Barack Obama.

New England is the Patriots; Philadelphia is the Patsies

Once upon a time Eagles’ fans wanted to hang Andy Reid from their rearview mirrors. Now they just want to hang him.
Those zealots who want Reid more fired than a barbecue brisket popped the cork on their celebration tonight after the Eagles imploded 38-20 against the Patriots at the Linc.
Indeed, the Birds are four and seven, just might lose eleven, and sure as hell ain’t going to heaven.
The rout couldn’t have been more sickening than a mayonnaise and shrimp sandwich from a street vendor.
New England receivers ran by Eagles’ defensive backs as if they were fire hydrants. At least they didn’t stop to hiss on them.
Tom Brady carved up the Birds even more viciously than yours truly did our Thanksgiving bird. This game should have been played on Thanksgiving because it was a real turkey.
DeSean Jackson dropped three passes and then got dropped on the bench. Vince Young threw for 400 yards, the most useless chunk of real estate north of the Everglades. Granted, he may have thrown for 500 yards if his receivers didn’t mimic the Venus de Milo.
I could go on and on, but I have more important things to do … like catching up with my thumb twiddling and finally counting the number of cashews in our pantry.

Gingrich's expressed sympathy for illegals just may put his presidential run on a shellacked field

Newt was once again the man warming his hands and ego in the spotlight last night in the 6,003rd of the 7,249 scheduled Republican presidential debates.

Of course, Gingrich may be one pterodactyl who has morphed into a robin.

On the other hand, he was a brave robin, tough enough to take a position as unpopular as psoriasis in a GOP primary.

Sounding shockingly like a compassionate conservative, Gingrich said that if you’re an illegal immigrant who has lived here for 25 years and obeyed the law and is part of the community, “I don’t think we’re going to separate you from your family … and kick you out.”

Gingrich had the guts to wade into the minefield of immigration. Still, it just might be a catastrophe terrible enough to make conservatives cry in Iowa and South Carolina. And then make Newt cry. A matter of stimulus and response.

Some pundits already are speculating that his remark on illegal aliens, while certainly realistic, just may be his Waterloo — trumping his adulterous history, influence peddling for Fannie May and Freddie Mac, and abandoning his cancer-stricken wife.

Apparently no news is better than Fox News

Evidently Fox News viewers are less informed than people who don’t watch any news.
Think about what that says about Fox News. And about Fox viewers.
Granted, relatively few Fox watchers went to Oxford. But then, neither did I. Of course, I do watch Bill O’Reilly fairly regularly, and of my own free will.
Then again, this Fairleigh Dickinson University poll may be flawed because it surveyed New Jersey residents, whose average IQ is 2 points lower than even Snooki’s.
Researchers attribute the Jersey brain drain to all the toxins in North Jersey and all the ultraviolet radiation in South Jersey. Little wonder that Jersey native Bruce Springsteen recorded Born to Run.
So I guess some Jersey Fox viewers still would be cabbage heads if they watched MSNBC instead.
Alas, we’ll never know because Jersey people will never learn how to switch channels on their remote. There’s a reason why most of them work in waste removal and answer to a guy named Vito.

Deficit panel admits it's a failure

Well, here’s a shock worthy of two chest paddles. Actually not!

The Congressional Supercommittee tasked with coming up with $1.2 trillion in deficit-cutting measures has completely failed.

They had a better chance of overhauling a transmission while working blindfolded under water.

Deficit talks also went belly up with Simpson-Bowles and Obama-Boehner, so it would be insane to expect different results by doing the same thing over and over again.

Looks like on the deficit issue we’re going to hell with a seat next to the furnace.

By the way, the budget deficit forced the government to borrow 36 cents of every dollar it spent last year. You try doing that. No wonder the national debt topped $15 trillion last week. Even the New York Yankees’ payroll isn’t that high.

This is getting more painful than a hour’s worth of foul tips to the groin.

While the Eagles' season yet may be a lost cause, the surprise win over the Giants is more priceless than a packet of quarter-inch hex nuts

OK, maybe the Eagles still have a sliver of hope, especially in a league that works the unpredictable like Stradivarius worked spruce and maple.

The Birds’ defense suddenly played like granite statues with the mobility of water bugs while perhaps Vince Young and Riley Cooper should start every game.

In a game that hardly was to thrills what beets are to taste buds, the Eagles shocked the Giants 17-10 Sunday night in Paradise Lost, otherwise known as East Rutherford, N.J.

To celebrate, I just may breakfast in Gdansk and then alphabetize my canned goods.

Still, do I think the Birds have a playoff chance? Well, while I can fathom the physics of the screwball, you’d have to be Nostradamus, Jimmy the Greek and Vegas Vic on steroids to answer that question.

After all, shots that long had to be hit by Babe Ruth, a Jell-O parfait of a man.

Some Tebowing by Obama could deliver America from evil and score some points with Jesus

There must be something to this Tebow thing, don’t you think?
Astonishingly, Tim Tebow is 4-1 this year as the Denver Broncos’ starting quarterback even though he doesn’t actually play quarterback.
Football purists look at Tebow’s mechanics, or lack thereof, like poodles watching a card trick.
Tebow couldn’t stand out more even if he were dressed in Versace. He simply doesn’t fill the same job description that the league’s other quarterbacks do.
Now there’s Rocky Twyman, a prayer warrior who has prayed at the pump to to lower gas prices. Twyman wants President Obama to start Tebowing (get down on one bended knee with lowered head in prayer) and give God glory.
The premise being that God in turn will bless Obama and solve our nation’s unemployment and economic problems.
Hey man, why not? I have informed Obama’s advisers that the president has Zeke’s blessing to start Tebowing. Plus, an Obama Tebow or two will counter persistent rumors that the president is a Muslim.
Actually, the more prayers the better. So I likewise have requested the campaign managers of all the Republican presidential candidates to do synchronized Tebowing at their next debate. Except for Rick Santorum, who already has God’s ear.

Pelosi takes the third (get it?) in spurning Perry's debate challenge

Poor Rick Perry. So what if his debate skills aren’t even a matter of debate. He has one celebrated oops moment and suddenly everybody is making more fun of him than a guy who marries a stripper.

Now Sweet Lovable Nancy Pelosi is joining the party. Of course, not his party.

Perry, who truly must be dumber than a fireplug, has challenged Pelosi to a debate even though we all know by now he couldn’t even win a debate with Marcel Marceau. And that mime has been dead for four years.

Perry called for the debate because he wants a government overhaul that would make Congress a part-time legislature (who can argue with that?).

Pelosi declined, and had fun doing so.

“Monday, I’m going to be in Portland in the morning,” she said. “I’m going to be visiting some of our labs in California in the afternoon. That’s two. I can’t remember what the third thing is I’m going to be doing.”

Next stop for Pelosi is Comedy Central. Come to think of it, that should be Perry’s next stop, too.