ESPN gives Jaws lockjaw on MNF

Back in the day when Ron Jaworski was The Polish Rifle on the Eagles’ quarterback depth chart and yours truly was The Polish Reporter on the Eagles’ beat, Jaws’ lips were all shimmy and shake — like a belly dancer on amphetamines.

Little wonder that Jaworski’s gift for gab later landed him a sweet gig with ESPN.

But his ESPN gig has turned somewhat sour.

The network announced today that Jaws has been silenced on Monday Night Football, giving Jon Gruden more elbow room in a two-man booth with Mike Tirico.

It’s a good move.

Gruden and Jaworski were tripping over each other’s tongues in their vapid roles. No wonder they served up more plugs than insight.

Both would get excited breaking down a flag football game between Red Lobster and Olive Garden fry cooks. But on MNF they both were wasted by getting glued to talking points and spouting clichés in an eternal duel for mic time.

Jaws will remain with ESPN, appearing on NFL Countdown and NFL Matchup — where he excels by analyzing X’s and O’s with a clinical zeal.

Tom Brady, in fact, was just a mediocre quarterback at Michigan until he started watching NFL Matchup and became a superstar with the Patriots as Mr. Gisele Bundchen. Brady today likely would be an insurance agent married to Betty Glump if it weren’t for Jaws.

Tune in this fall to hear whether Gruden now can deliver more substance with his bombastic in-your-face style.

GOP leaders urge Tea Party lawmakers to put a lid on their boiling teapot

It’s about time that Republican leaders stopped virtually genuflecting to the Tea Party. It was pathetic to see them so pulpy with fear, allowing the tail to wag the dog.
But with the payroll tax issue climbing up their nostrils, they have grown a set and now are urging Tea Partiers to be less extreme and more politically savvy.

It’s nice to see that miracles still can break a sweat in the post-New Testament era.

It would be easier for Obama to pass a 13-pound kidney stone than pass his budget through Congress

I’m not sure why President Obama even risked tearing a labrum this morning releasing his $3.8 trillion new budget for fiscal year 2013.

It’s already toast in Congress. That’s a lead pipe lock.

Republicans would rather swallow Drano than a budget that calls for tax increases on virtually every person making more than $250,000 a year, corporations included. The Bush tax cuts expire in the plan, and the Buffet rule would tax millionaires a base rate of 30 percent.

Not to mention that the proposal runs a roughly $1 trillion deficit for the fourth year in a row. That alone will make conservatives gag as if somebody sprinkled wheat germ on their caviar.

Santorum, Paul take the low road after Romney wins CPAC Straw poll and Maine caucus

You gotta bleed for Mitt Romney.

The guy has spent a fortune of time and treasure trying to be president and still is a magnet for abuse. He gets beaten up more often than the Washington Generals against the Harlem Globetrotters, more often than President Obama by devoted readers of the Zeke Blog.

Not only does he have the appeal of a 1970 Plymouth Duster, conservatives would rather lube jackhammers than vote for him.

Astonishingly, since there remains a flock of conservatives still in the race, Romney still could wind up being the Republican nominee.

But it’s been the Road to Hell on the way.

Take Saturday. Romney scored two minor but symbolically important victories — a first-place finish in the CPAC Straw poll and a win in the Maine caucus — each of which set off accusations of foul play from the second-place finisher.

When you’re a conservative and you just lost to a Mormon liberal like Romney, you gotta do something to save face. So crying cheating beats the hell out of hari kari.
In an appearance today on CNN, Santorum suggested that Romney had doctored the results of the CPAC contest. Being a sore loser isn’t righteous, Rick.
Ron (the best foreign policy is to ignore foreigners as if they were infidel Democrats) Paul sent an email Saturday night to supporters that essentially alleged collusion between the Romney campaign and the Maine Republican Party without actually mentioning Romney by name.
Classy, Ron.

Obama folds like a carpenter's ruler on birth control

Religious freedom and the culture war over women’s bodies, unlike jockey and horse as well as Morgan Freeman and Miss Daisy, don’t always ride in tandem.

Making this dilemma even more volatile, both sectors can be political footballs too hot for even Eli Manning to handle, let alone President Obama.

Factor in the absurdity of America’s health-care system where a woman’s boss is involved with her sex life (yuck), there’s little wonder we’ve given birth to a big mess.

Obama pretended to play King Solomon today and announced a compromise in the dispute over whether to require full contraception insurance coverage for female employees at religiously affiliated institutions.
You may seen the smoke hissing from underneath the mitres of Catholic bishops over this.
They still aren’t all that happy with the compromise, and of course neither are the Republicans.
The Democrats, as partisan as Republicans mind you, are somewhat better with the new plan in which religiously affiliated universities and hospitals will not be forced to offer contraception coverage to their employees. Insurers will be required, however, to offer complete coverage free of charge to any women who work at such institutions.

You don't need a firecracker flash of insight to realize the $26 billion bank settlement over foreclosure fraud is chump change

You would think that a drum roll, fireworks and popping champagne corks should have greeted today’s news that the five largest banks in the U.S. agreed to a $26 billion settlement for the roles they played in the mortgage meltdown.

After all, as many as two million Americans could reap financial benefits from the settlement, the largest of its kind in history, and the biggest civil-action suit ever against the housing industry.

Forgive me for turning smiles upside down into frowns, but there is a huge HOWEVER here.

This settlement is a joke that will leave blisters on the hearts of folks who faced living the rest of their lives in the doorways of abandoned buildings.

The $26 billion price tag is a joke, given the rogue and sometimes criminal behavior of the banks, and is a mere pittance compared to the trillions of dollars homeowners collectively lost during the subprime debacle.

The money will likely help only a small portion of borrowers facing foreclosure, depending on how effectively President Obama’s Washington minions manage the deal.

The fine print in the deal is enough to make you carve your eyes out with a steak knife. One settlement site says that it can take up to three years for homeowners to know if they’re even eligible for a cash payment.

Victims losing their home in a foreclosure can expect a cash payment of only between $1,500 and $2,000. Bully for them. That might cover the costs of a rented truck, storage costs and a Big Mac after they get the boot.
Federal bank regulators should have been cracking down on banks that were routinely evicting people despite incomplete documentation.
The U.S. Justice Department and other federal agencies should have been on the banks like white on rice when they were caught fabricating legal papers and routinely “robo-signing” thousands of affidavits at a sitting.

If the rich are job creators, why can't Republicans create a standard bearer for the fall? Perhaps an online classified ad is in order

So what to make of this Republican presidential race now?

If only Walter Cronkite or Jimmy the Greek still were around to sort out this horse race.

For starters, will the real conservative favorite son please stand up?

Actually, both Rick Santorum and New Gingrich want to be that standup guy. But me thinks Rick is more upright right now than Newt, who started slouching big time after Santorum’s three-state sweep Tuesday night.

Then there is Mitt Romney, who just can’t get the love no matter how much money he spends and how hard he tries. You just can’t buy charisma off the shelf. Perhaps he should try eHarmony.

Romney was the bug that went splat on the windshield last night after Santorum won an upset victory in the Colorado caucuses after scoring easy wins in the Minnesota caucuses and the non-binding Missouri primary.

I know Missouri was just a beauty race, but Romney lost every county! He had a worse night than the Patriots’ Wes Welker had Sunday night.

Mitt is fortunate that he has two guys jousting on his right. If either Rick or Newt gets knocked off his horse by a thrusting spear to the noggin, the real loser could be Romney.

Federal appeals court, apparently feeling the love, swats Prop 8

Not that same-sex marriage is a tennis match, but all the legal volleying never gets to game, set and match.
I guess because it’s always either love-40 or 40-love in the courts.
A federal appeals court today uncorked a huge backhand, declaring California’s same-sex marriage ban unconstitutional but agreed to give sponsors of the bitterly contested Prop 8 voter-approved law time to appeal the ruling before ordering the state to resume allowing gay couples to wed at the baseline.

Apparently the Tea Party merely had a cup of coffee or two

Apparently the Tea Party merely had a cup of coffee or two.

Back in the day when crusty sportswriters never met a cliché they didn’t fall in love with, a ballplayer was described as having “a cup of coffee” in the big leagues if his stint in The Show (oops, another cliché) was brief.

Actually, the Tea Party wound up having a few cups of coffee since it hit the bigs in 2010 and starting hitting it out of the park.

But now it’s 2012 and the Tea Partiers no longer are major players. Heck, they haven’t even gotten off the bench in the Republican primaries and it looks as if the candidate they loathe, Mitt Romney, just might be the nominee.

Evidently even some Tea Party leaders think their movement has expired.

It wasn’t the first and won’t be the last shooting star with a short shelf life as a meteor.

Weaving the threads of Eli, Barack, Mitt and Madonna into a Super quilt

Still digesting all those hot wings and beer you inhaled at a Super Bowl party?

Well, digest this:

So much for Tom Brady and Peyton Manning.

The clutch quarterback in all the land is Eli Manning, who’s as cool as a cucumber, as cool as the underside of the pillow, as cool as David Beckham’s tattoo artist, and as cool as your wife after you’ve passed gas in bed (damn hot wings!).

Eli did it again to the Patriots in the Super Bowl Sunday night, engineering the winning drive as if he were Casey Jones at the Illinois Central Railroad to lead the New York Football Giants to a 21-17 Super Bowl victory while nobody in America took a pee break for fear of missing one second of one commercial.

By the way, all you politico fans, the last time the Giants beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl was 2008.

By dumb luck, Barack Obama won the presidential election that very year. It was in all the papers.

By dumb luck, NBC’s Matt Lauer interviewed Obama during the network’s marathon Super Bowl pregame show, giving the sitting president (who by dumb luck actually was sitting) a chance to tell America that “I deserve a second term.”

What, no equal time for Mitt, Newt, Ron and Rick? Oh, well, I guess the Republicans later got their fair share of equal time when New York, America’s Wall Street team, won the Super Bowl without nary a foreclosure.
Speaking of the never-ending GOP primaries, Romney took Nevada Saturday and since the state is chock full of Mormons except for all those sinners in Las Vegas, that was as surprising as Madonna having 4,749 dancers on stage with her at the Supe halftime show.
Madonna, who must bring pomp and excess along even when she merely is flossing her teeth while cursing out Lady Gaga, had her extravaganza performance punctuated by a single extended middle finger by guest singer M.I.A.

Needless to say, NBC was not pleased. On a side note, M.I.A. will not be the next Streisand. You read it here first.
But back to Romney, who managed to stumble even in victory. He inexplicably fired his debate coach, who had turned him into a tiger in the Florida debates.
Guess Mitt truly lies to fire people because otherwise the move seems highly debatable.