The Eagles are yo-yoing our health to oblivion

Watching the Eagles this year is like swallowing a vat of crap: agonizing.

Watch them long enough and if you hit the mute button, you will hear your heart, like muffled drums, beating a funeral march to your grave.

Line up your pallbearers. While you’re at it, round up some for Andy Reid. For that, you likely will have to recruit in Finland or the Fiji Islands. Someplace where NFL missionaries have yet to venture.

Michael Vick is a coach killer and he’s going to kill Andy Reid’s tenure in Philly. Along with his own.

Take today (please!), for instance.

Vick threw for 311 yards and two touchdowns. He also rushed for a team-high 59 yards. Numbers, sadly, are only meaningful to accountants and IRS vultures.

Vick also threw two more picks and lost yet another fumble. The dude now has one helluva sore rectum after sitting on 13 turnovers (eight interceptions and a league-worst five fumbles lost).

He always is a human piñata wearing No. 7. He finishes games with his intestines rammed up to his esophagus And once again the offense under his direction stalled more than a 1958 Edsel.

A quick question: What are the only two things bigger than a 1958 Edsel?

Answer: Vick’s salary and Vick’s turnover total.

Not to pick on Vick, but at this point I think even Lumpy Rutherford would be a better quarterback for this team. Word is that Lumpy could actually read a little and he usually recognized a blitz coming from Eddie Haskell.

As you already know by now unless Heidi Klum spent the afternoon whispering the Dead Sea Scrolls in your ears, the Eagles lost. Yep, a 26-23 overtime loss to the Lambs, er, Lions.

The Birds just couldn’t put the Lions away and the latter started roaring a bit louder than a kitten in the fourth quarter. More like the old MGM lion.

The Eagles’ D can be stingy, but usually folds, spindles and mutilates at crunch time. Alas, unlike their quarterback, they are, for the most part, downright allergic to triggering turnovers.

Calvin Megatron Johnson certainly didn’t find an Optimus Prime in the Philly secondary.

The Eagles are just 3-3 going into their bye week.

Jeff Lurie has Jon Gruden on speed dial.

If Chucky opts to remain grimacing and spouting platitudes in the ESPN booth, Lurie plans to ask God to resurrect Vince Lombardi so he can lead the Eagles to Super salvation.