Beyonce’s lips steal center stage from her backside

So much for the Niners and the Ravens, Colin Kaepernick and Joe Flacco, the Harbaugh Brothers (the most famous set of siblings since the Smith Brothers were coughing up a lung), Ray Lewis and deer antler spray/murder rap.

This Super Bowl is all about Beyonce.

With the whole world tingling with goose bumps, Beyonce opened her Super Bowl press conference today with a rousing two minute live rendition of The Star Spangled Banner, followed by an admission that she did indeed use a pre-recorded track while singing the anthem at Obama’s inauguration and a promise that she will be singing live at halftime Sunday.

Three observations:

When did the universe become so utterly superficial that halftime performers hold press conferences? When I was playing high school football, our band didn’t hold pregame press conferences. They had to save their breath to blow their trumpets and trombones.

What will all the little minds in the world do now to fill their empty heads now that the did she or didn’t she lip sync debate is over?

How is it that Beyonce has a bigger butt than any of the Super Bowl linemen? Steroids? Oodles of potato chips?

Senate bipartisanship coupled with Obama’s endorsement makes immigration reform easier than playing a long par-5 with a strong wind at your back

Suddenly we have some news that actually is more exciting than watching a yacht race.

Bipartisanship and immigration reform really are riding in tandem these days.

Next thing you know lions and lambs will be dancing duets.

And you thought this week was all about Super Bowl hype and reports that A-Rod gobbled PEDs like they were PEZ.

First a bipartisan group of senators that included marquee neon names like McCain, Rubio and Schumer cobbled together a comprehensive immigration reform.

Then today in Las Vegas, President Obama placed a wager on the Super Bowl and then made a crucial tactical shift as he embraced the senators’ plan.

Indeed, you could have knocked over a craps dealer with one chip after Obama failed to unveil a more liberal approach and didn’t call for a faster and more straightforward path to citizenship for undocumented workers and students,

The president said the pathway to citizenship he would create would require those here illegally to go the back of the line behind legal applicants.

Sounds fair. Everybody hates it when somebody jumps in front of the line, which frequently triggers a heated debate on gun control.

Federal judges rule that the Constitution actually applies even to Obama

Federal judges with a conservative orientation seldom pat toddlers’ haircuts, donate to the glee club or greet the world with open arms.

Rather, they tend to be stiffer than the folks currently residing at the morgue.

A federal appeals court panel hardly unleashed an aurora borealis of a smile on Barack Obama today.

It ruled that the president violated the Constitution by making his Labor appointments during a congressional recess.

C’mon, now. Obama must know the Constitution like he knows the back of his hand and the Koran.

After all, he was president of the Harvard Law Review and a constitutional law lecturer at the University of Chicago.

Then again, Obama was quite determined to bypass a Senate more gridlocked than tonight’s evening commute in snowy and slippery Berks County PA.

The urge became so powerful in him that it burst and became a need.

So perhaps he cut a few corners in his end run.

I used to be a defensive end trying to stuff end sweeps, so I know first-hand how difficult turning the corner can be for a ballcarrier.

The panel’s decision today could invalidate hundreds of the NLRB’s decisions since Obama named three people to the board during last year’s holiday recess.

Talk about disappearing like the morning dew.

Which could be clumsier than a drunk giraffe roller skating down from the Pagoda tonight.

The ruling also could raise, like a Jack In The Box, questions about Obama’s nomination of Richard Cordray to the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.

The White House, its mood darker than Johnny Cash’s closet used to be, called the decision novel and unprecedented.

Women get their chance to man up in combat

I guess the Marines now will be looking for a few good women, which guys have been doing ever since Adam spotted Eve under the apple tree and turned the Garden of Paradise into a living hell.

Speaking of hell, war is hell.

Speaking of war, women really will be giving our enemies hell.

Did you notice the theme of our narrative?

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta lifted the military ban on women in combat today, a move which opens up thousands of frontline positions and potential elite commando jobs.

A move long overdue. Everybody knows that women are the stronger sex.

Once our women and their mascara are manning the front, our foes and their Nikes will be running backward in full retreat.

I got a hunch that a lot of mothers-in-law will become Navy Seals.

The second coming of Obama is all about liberalism

Presidents are required, by job description, to give an inaugural address standing out in the cold so we can examine the plumes of their breath.

For the most part, inaugurals aren’t memorable speeches. Especially when it’s a president’s second term and the juice has disappeared like a blown transformer.

Obama’s second inaugural address was a blatant call to liberalism.

The gloves are off now that he doesn’t have to enter the squared circle with the ballot box again.

Obama delivered a percussive defense of liberalism and the obligations of citizenship — making rights more real than Cheez Whiz, helping more Americans work up to the middle class, and caring for those who can’t – red flag alert: or won’t — care for themselves.

There should have been a rainbow in the sky above him, but apparently Obama isn’t that well connected with Mother Nature even though he did mention climate change.

This was the rainbow address, a tribute to the diversity of America in which he included gay rights firmly in the civil rights portfolio.

In so doing, he passionately defended the social safety net that was the core of his reelection campaign.

After all, Obama is the Pied Piper of the needy.

He harped on the founding vision of the country, hijacking that theme from the conservatives and boiling over Tea Party kettles.

Obama conveyed the animating principles of the U.S. as not merely limited government but a balance between freedom from government and the need for an effective government.

His speech was overpopulated with uplifting rhetoric and under-populated with specifics.

In a concession to his Republican adversaries and a brief fling with bipartisanship, he interrupted his liberal narrative with a brief admission that we must reduce the cost of health care and the size of the deficit.

Granted, Obama’s new mandate in this second go-round is achieving bipartisanship through force, not conciliation.

With two presidential election wins under his belt, the commander in chief has a defiant liberal swagger.

Sibling Super Bowl

There is something special about the unique band of being brothers.

Brothers you love. Brothers you hate. Brothers forever and a day.

It’s all about brotherly love. A love that only brothers can fathom. A love that is somewhat less complicated than gnashing our bicuspids over the meaning of life and what comes after death.

Blood is as thick as a medical school textbook. Thick as the Beijing phonebook. You can look it up.

I once threw six darts, and four of them stuck, at one of my brothers on Christmas Eve in a scoring disagreement. My mom was not pleased.

I once gave another brother a bloody nose in a disagreement over a misplaced typewriter cover. Little did we know then that typewriters soon would become as past tense as the Joe Louis left hook I nailed my brother with.

Now, oh brother, are we gonna have a Super Bowl. Jim Harbaugh will lead his San Francisco 49ers against John Harbaugh’s Baltimore Ravens.

Why the hell is this Super Bowl in New Orleans?

It definitely should be in Philly, the City of Brotherly Love.

It’s gonna be one intense family affair.

A game that will make all of us brothers in arms.

Except for those who were an only child or stuck with just sisters.

Then again, those folks already know that life is as unfair as a casino.

Pedaling lies

First of all, only about 2.7 people in America gave a whit about the Tour de France until Lance Armstrong won a zillion of them in a row despite almost dying from cancer.

Did I think the dude was blood doping and stuffing his sculpted body with EPO and testosterone?

Of course.

All elite cyclists had to if they wanted to be competitive. How else could they pedal up and down mountains day after day at warp speed and still have enough energy to ask themselves at night why they didn’t take up motorcycling racing instead.

Dopiness is much more helpful than cleanliness on a long bike ride.

Still, I, among countless others, admired Armstrong for the wonderful support his Livestrong foundation afforded cancer survivors.

Nevertheless, Livestrong was all part of the man’s deceit, a man who is a fascinating/disgusting blend of good and evil.

So why did Armstrong sort of confess in his semi-mea culpa with Oprah?

After all, this brute sued or trashed or attacked anybody who didn’t allow him to control his narrative.

And the overriding, pardon the pun, theme of his narrative had been that he wasn’t dirty. He had been adamant as hell about that. Downright defiant. Perhaps all the drugs had him hallucinating.

Now he has sort of come clean, and did so without contrition, because he finally got cornered and had to quit bullying, lying and subverting the law.

Plus, there is a monetary incentive. He has lost a fortune in endorsements and he has to rehab his image to become marketable again – if that is possible.

Perhaps it’s time for Lance to star in his own reality show, where all fallen celebs wind up when they need life support.

Te’o girlfriend hoax a whopper worthy of Burger King

Football stars, like rock guitarists and bloggers, attract women like a blue suit attracts lint, like honey attracts Aunt Bee, like neon attracts Vegas showgirls, like Charlie Sheen attracts bible salesmen, like the Second Amendment attracts NRA members.

So why did Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o, the Heisman Trophy runner-up for Touchdown Jesus’ sake, have to settle for an online girlfriend?

An online girlfriend named Lennay Kekua who couldn’t have suffered a heartbreaking death from leukemia this past season because she was as real as Cinderella.

Te’o, who repeatedly told the media that his girlfriend was his source of inspiration, now claims he was the target of a “sick Joke” that was “painful and humiliating.”

I would imagine so. Imagine what Knute Rockne and the Gipper think of this.

Notre Dame claims this romantic tragedy/travesty was a hoax perpetrated by several people – probably Alabama fans.

Of course, the star quarterback at Alabama dates Miss Alabama, who is not only real but she’s spectacular. Just ask Brent Musburger.

Granted, the big question here is whether Te’o actually was duped or part of the bizarre conspiracy.

Your thoughts, Lou Holtz?

Obama’s extensive gun control measures face a Dodge City shootout on Boot, er, Capitol Hill

Since Americans evidently are more afraid of stepping on spiders than pulling the trigger, it would seem prudent to bite the bullet and toughen our gun laws.

Of course, gun laws can’t play David Copperfield and make all guns disappear.

But if there is extensive hemorrhaging, every little bandage helps.

So President Obama rolled out an expansive gun control agenda today and already Republicans and centrist Democrats are shooting it full of holes.

Obama is betting that public opinion now favors an extensive overhaul of our gun laws after a bloody string of mass shootings.

After all, having first-graders shot to death in school should trigger a compassionate urgency to muzzle firearms.

However, the public and Congress aren’t inhabited by the same species.

Congress always is politically contentious about tweaking our gun laws because it wants our Second Amendment’s right to bear arms to be more bulletproof than our citizens.

The Eagles, like Sherlock Holmes, get their man in Chip Kelly

Here is some news that has just knocked Iggles Nation on their trousers today.

Chip Kelly is the new head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles.

Talk about an amazing flip-flop by the Oregon wizard.

This has Philly fans yelping like bacon grease splattering on a hot stove and sporting smiles a tad bigger than a sliver.

I guess Jeff Lurie had to write an even bigger check than Phil Knight. A check with enough zeroes to stretch from here to Manayunk.

Still, there is one big question looming out there like a hanging curve ball: Can Kelly’s innovative 5-hour energy drink tempo offensive scheme that creates acres of space and deploys playmakers with more speed than Olympic sprinters translate to the NFL where there are smaller windows and where you can’t recruit hordes of bodies who all break the sound barrier.

Granted, the Niners, Redskins and Panthers have employed spread offenses recently but not to the extent Kelly uses a mobile quarterback.

And just who will be Kelly’s quarterback? Michael Vick is as brittle as balsa wood in a tsunami and Nick Foles is slower than molasses retrieved from a glacier.

Geno Smith anyone?