The Eagles playing like pigeons for Yip, er, Chip Kelly

The Eagles, on offense, defense and special teams, played football Sunday like a bunch of equipment managers for the junior high chess team.

To be blunt, the Birds were basically a semi-functioning blood clot in losing 52-20 to the Broncos in mile high Denver.

How the hell can a team be so damn low playing a mile high? Can you imagine how jackal-puking bad they would have played had the game been at sea level?

I thought how low can you go was for doing the limbo, not playing football.

It was the most points the Eagles (1-3) surrendered since Nov. 26, 1972, when they lost 62-10 to the New York Giants.

Even John Boehner isn’t that much of a pushover when it comes to the Tea Party bullies.

Peyton Manning immolated the Birds’ defense, the supposedly stick-of-dynamite Chip Kelly offense was as explosive as a stick of chewing gum, and the special teams looked more like special needs when they allowed two touchdowns.

Instead of watching this dastardly debacle, I should have done something fun like study all the fine print in Obamacare.

Marathon man Ted Cruz isn’t pissing in the wind

I really don’t care to know the specifics, but what the hell kind of kidneys does Ted Cruz have?

Especially for a dude who is so full of piss and vinegar.

Was he wearing Depends or just letting it stream down his pants during his 21-hour tirade against Obamacare on the Senate floor?

The Senate is set to take up a House bill supported by Cruz that would continue to fund the government but defund Obamacare.

Since the Senate almost certainly will strip the Obamacare-defunding part out and send it back to the House, was Cruz’s how-long-can-he-go-without-pissing speech merely a colossal waste of time?

Absolutely not. His showmanship ploy wasn’t total nonsense.

He hates on Obamacare simply because it raises his profile somewhere between here and the moon as well as triggering a tsunami of cash into the Senate Conservatives Fund, a super PAC.

With that sort of dough, he can afford kidney transplants before he runs for president.

Driving off a cliff really isn’t a laughing matter

Harry Reid doesn’t have the wit of a Jon Stewart. Or even a state trooper who just stopped you for speeding on the turnpike.

But the Senate Majority Leader came up with an analogy today that was somewhat mirthful, saying the Republicans bent on defunding Obamacare or shutting down the government are “fanatics” with a “Thelma and Louise”-like mission to drive the nation off a cliff.

Of course, our government has played the game of Fiscal Cliff Chicken much too frequently and it always ends up as much ado about nothing.

Sort of like the Emmy telecast or Chip Kelly hype.

In case you have been preoccupied with a heavy addiction problem, you likely have heard on your iPhone or IPad that the federal government will run out of money after Sept. 30 if Congress does not act by then to authorize more spending.

I, too, will run out of money after Sept. 30 if my wife does not authorize more allowance. But I digress.

While everybody else in America was looking at their fantasy football numbers and checking the Vegas lines, the House of Representatives last week passed a bill that would keep federal offices running only if the Senate and White House agreed to defund the Affordable Care Act.

Senate Democrats and President Obama would rather eat at Maria’s on Penn Street than give in to that demand.

Even Senate Republicans, who seem to have come from a higher gene pool than their counterparts in the House, think using a government shutdown to try to defund Obamacare is stupider than eating tripe and chocolate ice cream at the same time.

So how do these Republican extremists in the House get away with trying to hold the operation of the entire U.S. government hostage?

Easy. John Boehner is pipsqueak Speaker of the House whom the Tea Party folks walk over like he was a tan floor mat.

Not only did Boehner allow this absurd measure to get to the House floor, but has permitted 40 votes repealing a duly passed law that simply won’t be defunded.

Only the folks still waiting for Godot have wasted more time.

In the interest of full disclosure, Obamacare makes me sick. But shutting the government down over it makes me sicker than a yak that just ate an entire Cheetos factory.

Outside of some spacious running lanes, Chip Kelly’s Eagles looked like Andy Reid’s Eagles

Andy Reid looks bigger in red, doesn’t he?

He returned to Philly last night where he spent 14 seasons with the Eagles and Big Red looked like Bigger Red.

Andy got the same, uh, Reid on the Birds last night as he did the past few seasons: tons of turnovers, poor pass protection, killer breakdowns on defense, special teams that were atrociously not special, no semblance of a home-field advantage, and an offense that hardly saw the field and when it did erratic maestro Michael Vick was trying his damndest to get them quickly off the field with dumb passes.

If it weren’t for Shady McCoy’s 158 yards rushing (he dinged a wheel, too, and will have to use Lourdes as a whirlpool if he is to make it through the season) and Vick’s 95 yards on the ground, the Eagles’ offense would have been MIA.

Outside of DeSean Jackson, the Birds have no wideouts with speed. Tortoises in a Chip Kelly up-tempo offense are never a good thing.

Between sloths like Riley Cooper and Jason Avant needing sundials on their patterns and Vick misfiring his way to a 13-for-30 evening for a mere 201 yards, one touchdown, two picks, and a 49.4 quarterback rating, everybody this morning as to be a Doubting Thomas about whether Kelly’s offense on the NFL level is the second coming of Steve Spurrier with the Redskins.

Speaking of the Redskins, Kelly’s ballyhooed offensive schemes haven’t been sizzling since the first half of the season opener.

A season that was so pregnant with promise may be destined for a stillbirth.

Suddenly the Birds are facing at a season-high three-game road swing through Denver, the Giants and Tampa Bay.

If Kelly can turn things around in a hurry, that would be one astonishing turnover.

Chip had better have Jesus on speed dial.

This salvation will require divine intervention.

Reading never will be confused with Dubai

If you live in Berks County, whose capital seat is Reading, you likely are feeling rather poorly today.

Actually, scratch the ly off poorly and just make it poor.

Poor as in turn over the sofa and recliners to see if any quarters fall out.

Poor as in check out the trash bins behind fine dining restaurants (but not fast-food places because, after all, even people gut-deep in poverty have standards).

Poor as in let’s stop being dead broke by hacking Bill Gates’ online bank accounts.

Why this descent into the haunting, hollow gloom of abject impoverishment?

Well, the Reading Eagle had a Page One story this morning that Reading’s poverty rate worsened in 2012, making it the second most impoverished city in the country behind Detroit.

No wonder I never see any yachts sailing the Schuylkill River around here.

No wonder Harrods never came to our town.

And even the not-so-rich but famous folks around here apparently have wallets housing more moths than lettuce.

Jon Gosselin once was the star of the top reality television show in America.


Because Americans are dumber than fire hydrants and because Gosselin was the father of eight kids and then married to a shrew of a wife named Kate.

Now he’s waiting tables at the Black Dog Café in Stouchsburg.

At least the food there is good.

But don’t expect Kate and the kids to be dining there anytime soon.

After all, things ended rather poorly for America’s once beloved couple, who never enjoyed the rich happiness of Ozzie and Harriet.

In the line of fire

Evidently existing gun laws and background checks stop mass killings such as the latest trigger tragedy at the Washington Navy Yard about as well as a Kleenex stops a tsunami.

Apparently Congress, in its less-than-Mensa wisdom, would rather stupidly push ahead a bill to defund Obamacare or shut down the government than put more muscle into gun laws and background checks.

A spiffy bulletproof vest soon may become the hottest fall fashion statement in the Land of the Bull’s-eye.

With the Eagles scoring and allowing points in bunches, scoreboard operators are putting in for overtime

OK, Chip Kelly has an offense that is, well, very offensive.

Which is a marvelous thing.

And Kelly has a defense that is well, very offensive.

Which is an atrocious thing.

The Eagles are 1-1 after Sunday’s 33-30 loss to the Chargers.

One reason they lost is that Kelly admittedly could have bled more time off the clock on the Birds’ game-tying final drive.

But you don’t have to be Jon Gruden or Sherlock Holmes to sift through the debris of the defeat and find the clues why.

The reason is that sieve of a defense. Talk about being porous. It has more holes than my old underwear.

They have a terrible secondary (especially the safeties), woeful quality depth at linebacker, a pacifist pass rush and an allergy to staying within six zip codes of tight ends.

No wonder they have surrendered 60 points in two games.

Poland showed more resistance against the Nazi blitzkrieg.

Eagles’ scores this season may resemble Sixers’ scores.

Which means Eagles’ fans won’t get many bathroom breaks during this frenetic season.

Relying on Putin to disarm Assad is scarier than a chemical dependency

Of course, the anniversary of 9/11 is another poignant and vivid reminder of how turbulent situations abroad can deplete our blood and treasure.

If we could only slice the Middle East from the globe as if it were a peach pit.

If our leaders could only learn that Uncle Sam no longer stands tall enough to play Big Brother.

Syria is the latest thorny issue that messes with the serenity of a war-weary America.

If a Russian proposal to pressure Assad into declaring and relinquishing his chemical weapons stockpile moves forward, the United States will be in the strange position of relying on one of Syria’s chief weapons suppliers to disarm a regime President Obama has accused of gassing its own people.

C’mon, man. Do we seriously think Putin, a big Assad supplier and enabler, is going to disarm him? Do we believe in the tooth fairy, too?

Granted, the proposal could avert America’s entrance into the Syrian civil war and prevent chemical weapons from falling into the hands of terrorist groups if Assad’s regime collapses.

I’m not sure what the line in Vegas is on this, but I wouldn’t bet on the proposal working for us.

Russia claims it can help disarm Syria’s chemical weapons arsenal. But Putin hasn’t even handled his own stockpile properly.

The devil always is in the details … especially when two devils such as Putin and Assad are elbow deep in the details.

The Eagles whoosh past the Redskins in a Chip Kelly blur

OK, Chip Kelly actually DOES play frenetic football.

Faster than a hiccup. Faster than a blink. Faster than a speeding bullet. Faster than the speed of light. Faster than you know what through a goose after a trip to Taco Bell. Faster than Obama’s descent from divinity.

The Eagles were faster than Usain Bolt in the first half en route to an astonishing 33-27 win over a rusty RGIII and the Washington Redskins at FedEx Field Monday night.

Hell, the Birds were even faster than FedEx.

Michael Vick and Shady McCoy were playing pinball football to great success and the only question now is who will get exhausted first — the Eagles, their opponents or the fans?

Let’s all toast Chip and the Eagles with an energy drink tonight. And fasten our seat belts.

Hitler’s bodyguard reunited at last with his Fuehrer

Monsters are all the rage right now and it has nothing to do with Halloween.

Syria’s Bashar al-Assad is one bloody monster but President Obama stands largely alone on the world stage in his call for military intervention.

World leaders left the G20 summit in Russia today without agreeing on military action against Syria over last month’s nerve gas attack in Damascus.

So Obama now will return home and resume rallying support in Congress, which will be tougher than a $2 steak.

Nazis, meanwhile, still are grabbing attention. Those cockroaches simply won’t die despite the goose-stepping march of time.

Well, at least one of them died recently.

Adolf Hitler’s longtime bodyguard, the last living person to see the Nazi dictator’s final moments, has died at 96 years old.

What a shame that the dude apparently was good at his job.

Rochus Misch originally entered the war to fight communism, not to protect Hitler, he said in a 2005 interview. But after being delegated to the Fuehrer’s safety, he became a loyal servant, staying on his post in the bunker even after Hitler’s and Eva Braun’s suicide. And he never even got overtime pay for that.

Misch remained proud of his work and claimed to have no knowledge of Hitler’s Final Solution (yeah, right) that involved the mass murder of millions.

Of Hitler, Misch said: “He was no brute. He was no monster,” and “he was a wonderful boss.”

Perhaps Misch had Hitler confused with Mr. Rogers.

Misch said the Fuehrer’s only hobbies were trimming his mustache with hedge clippers and riding his hobbyhorse naked except for a strategically placed swastika.

Nazi guards must have drank embalming fluid between screams of “Heil Hitler” because some of them have extraordinary shelf lives. German prosecutors recently filed charges against 30 alleged and ancient Auschwitz guards.

If convicted, perhaps they will be sentenced to play with chemical weapons in Syria.