Obama said repeatedly that if you liked your health insurance, you could keep it under Obamacare. Uh, no

Once upon a time when George Washington spoke as president, it was regarded as gospel.

Never mind that he spoke with wooden dentures (flossing gave him splinters, no doubt).

As for Barack Obama’s pronouncements about Obamacare, consider them to be a false gospel — just like that of Barnabas, who had no health insurance.

The president said over and over again that if you liked your health insurance, you could keep it.

Tell that to the thousands of people with suddenly canceled policies.

Obama spoke with a forked tongue, which a top Democratic official conceded Tuesday — admitting that the health care overhaul should have been “more precise” in acknowledging the possibility that some Americans would lose their current insurance plans.

The Affordable Care Act had to be named with aforementioned forked tongue firmly planted in cheek.

The ACA actually means more money for less insurance.

Pardon me for being cynical, but cynicism is embedded in a blogger’s DNA and keyboard.

Suffice it to say that the ACA was ingeniously designed to deliver benefits to Democratic constituencies and impose costs on Republican ones.

Stay healthy, my friends.

Chip Kelly’s mythical offense is just that

So much for an inventive, imaginative OMG-did-you-see-that-exotic-offensive scheme gushing to a tsunami of points.

Philly ain’t Oregon, Chip Kelly.

The Eagles lost the normally defenseless Giants 15-7 today in a game that prompted many fans to jam bottle openers into their eyes.

It was that screaming ugly.

This horror show should have aired on Halloween.

Did Stephen King script the Eagles’ playbook?

Michael Vick’s hamstring hamstrung him right back to the bench and if Matt Barkley is ready for prime time, I’m Julius Caesar ready to plunge into the Rubicon.

The Eagles’ offense has mustered just three points in two games, since their touchdown Sunday came courtesy of special teams.

I’m not so sure the Eagles could even score against that porous Penn State defense.

Tim Tebow may score before the Eagles do again.

By the way, Andy Reid’s Chiefs remain unbeaten.

Sometimes you can drown in a sea change.

Life sure can be a funny old possum.

NSA monitored 35 world leaders’ calls, even the ones dialing for pizza

Our National Security Agency, simply NSA to its friends and enemies, isn’t in business to grout bathtubs … unless it can spy on you while you’re showering.

The NSA’s spying program, which began on George W. Bush’s watch and sprouted like spring dandelions under Barack Obama, is there to deliver us from evil when God is preoccupied elsewhere.

If our liberties get torched in the crossfire, well, just remember that dead people have no freedom.

We spy on our own folks and terrorists.

And on world leaders, too.

The news of which today triggered the most global outrage since Hitler decided that Poland, the land of my ancestors, was so much mincemeat.

The U.S. monitored the phone conversations of 35 world leaders, according to classified documents leaked by that pesky fugitive whistleblower Edward Snowden.

Doesn’t this punk have traditional young man’s hobbies like drinking, fornicating and snorting?

Must be that global leaders always are chatting about screwing Uncle Sam when they’re not conversing with their spouses on whose turn it is to pick up the dry cleaning (global leaders wouldn’t be caught dead in stained or wrinkled outfits).

Phone numbers were passed on to the NSA by a sneaky official in another government department, according to the documents.

The documents added that staff in the White House, State Department and the Pentagon was urged to share the contact details of foreign politicians.

The revelations came after Germany demanded answers from Washington over allegations Chancellor Angela Merkel’s phone was bugged, which evidently bugged the hell out of her.

Leave it to the Germans to stir up trouble. First the Kaiser. Then Hitler. Then the Berlin Wall.

Can’t the Germans just stick to draining their beer steins?

The White House did not deny the bugging, saying only it would not happen in future.

What?

And turn all of us into fish in a barrel?

Sleep with one eye open tonight.

Foles, Barkley, Eagles the biggest flops since the Disney fantasy epic John Carter

There have been plenty of horrific disasters in recorded history.

Famine, pestilence, war, earthquakes, floods, tornadoes. plagues, political campaigns.

Events of utter destruction, agony and despair.

Moments that cast eyes toward the heavens searching to see if God is preoccupied downloading celestial apps.

The latest knee-buckling disaster was Nick Foles Sunday.

Check that. He was the latest epic tragedy until Matt Barkley brought mankind, or at least that portion of mankind wearing Eagles green, to its knees.

With Michael Vick out with a bad hammy, with Foles unable to connect with anyone as if he were a cell phone in a dead zone before he exited with a concussion, and with Barkley’s NFL debut exhibiting more picks than you’ll find in a guitar store, the Eagles suffered a 17-3 calamity of a loss to the hated Cowboys.

So much for Chip Kelly’s celebrated offense. The only thing offensive about the Eagles today was how offensive they were to civilized men, women and children.

The Birds Sunday couldn’t have scored with a fistful of a hundred dollar bills in a whorehouse.

And so much for the Eagles at home, who lost their ninth straight at the Linc.

Home cooking gives them food poisoning.

The Vet used to be considered one of hell’s dungeons. But at least it was at times a playpen of success for the Birds.

Now the Eagles live in hell and they could have a devil of a time once again when the Giants come to the Linc next Sunday

Blame it on global warming.

Bachelor/bachelorette auction, Royals tribute kick off BCTV’s Octoberfest fundraiser Monday night October 21 at the Crowne Plaza Reading

BCTV, unlike the networks and cable channels, doesn’t charge roughly the GNP of China for its television commercials.

In fact, BCTV doesn’t air commercials, being a non-profit organization.

They do have program sponsorships, but those pricing points are chump change that fell out of the sofa compared to what a 30-second commercial will go for during the Super Bowl.

So fundraising is about as important as breathing to BCTV. Perhaps even more.

Their annual Octoberfest auction fundraiser is their prime revenue source.

Which this year is especially good for you because BCTV and the Crowne Plaza Reading are throwing a great party on Monday night October 21.

There is no admission and there are free hors d’oeuvres, courtesy of the Crowne Plaza. There is a cash bar.

There is a preview party at 5:30 that evening and the auction starts at 6 with a bachelor/bachelorette auction.

Eight bachelorettes and three bachelors who are community-minded, courageous, attractive and accomplished are putting themselves up for auction for the benefit of BCTV.

The dates that our couples will go out on will be double dinner dates or group dinner dates at The Peanut Bar.

Bidders for the bachelor/bachelorette auction must be at the Crowne Plaza Monday night and when they register to bid they will have to sign a code of conduct pledging to act in a professional, appropriate and respectful manner on the date and will meet their date at the Peanut Bar.

Following the bachelor/bachelorette auction, BCTV is paying tribute to the Kelly Cup champion Reading Royals.

The Kelly Cup will be there but will not be open to bidding. But there will be great Royals premium auction items such as a 2013 Kelly Cup championship team autographed stick, Reading Royals jersey, and a gift bag consisting of a schedule magnet, Slap Shot puzzle, Royals hat, t-shirt, 2 plastic glasses and championship poster.

Bidders also must be at the Crowne to bid on the Royals’ items. So all Royals fans are invited to party and hang out that night and nobody will be sent to the penalty box.

The auction Monday night also will feature plenty of premium sports, arts, crafts and restaurant items to benefit BCTV.

Octoberfest continues next Tuesday and Wednesday nights at the BCTV studio, 7th and Penn streets in Reading, and the public is invited. There will be free parking those evenings.

There also will be a week-long online auction next week on bctv.org.

See you Monday night at the Crowne Plaza and bring your piggybank.

Zeke may even buy you a drink.

Stimulus and response: Government to reopen, Tea Party to close

The far right took a left hook right on the kisser today.

Custer had a better day at the Little Bighorn.

Talk about a complete capitulation by Republicans, who already have been flogged in the court of public opinion.

Senate leaders unveiled a deal Wednesday to reopen the government and avoid a potential debt default that does virtually nothing to Obamacare, leaving intact the law that Tea Party Republicans zeroed in on like Kamikaze pilots.

The Senate reached a deal to end the government shutdown and raise the debt ceiling. House Speaker John Boehner conceded that he would accept the measure, setting up a vote in the House for later in the day.

The agreement funds the government through January 15, and raises the debt ceiling through February 7.

There are also reports that the deal will provide back pay for federal workers who were furloughed during the shutdown.

Now that we stopped the Tea Party from global domination, it’s time to stop China from global domination.

Nick Foles looks like Huck Finn. But he’s more armed and dangerous than John Dillinger.

Last year the Eagles’ once vaunted Gang Green morphed into gangrene. And they were more boring than Blandon, PA after dark.

Not this year. The Birds definitely are more exciting than a molasses manufacturers convention.

They’re now 3-3 and atop the terrible NFC East after today’s 31-20 win over the Bucs in Tampa.

Granted, the Bucs suck. But their defense doesn’t.

Which is why Nick Foles, in his first start of the season since Michael Vick’s hamstring is slightly unstrung, was more impressive than a cordial Nick Saban press conference.

Foles was throwing spirals that could slide into an ATM across the street, nestling in his receiver’s arms like new-born babies air mailed to their mothers (enough to put The Stork on unemployment).

Foles finished 22 of 31 for 296 yards, three touchdowns, an OMG rushing touchdown, and no interceptions.

If he had been anymore precise, he now would be a CPA.

Even with his cement spikes, Foles seems a great fit for Chip Kelly, who actually played quarterbacks who weren’t jackrabbits at Oregon.

DeSean Jackson had six catches for 64 yards and two touchdowns, while slow-footed Riley Cooper somehow found some jets in his tootsies and had four receptions for 120 yards and a TD.

LeSean McCoy, more elusive than a water bug with rubber knees, rushed for 116 yards and added 55 receiving yards.

That’s a whole lotta O.

Unlike Vick, who has more overthrows than the Arabs and struggles in the red zone like it’s chemistry class, Foles doesn’t need a GPS to find the end zone once he’s inside the 20.

Here’s hoping that Vick’s hamstring isn’t a fast healer.

Republicans are about as popular as carbuncles in a nudist colony

Apparently Americans are about as enamored with Republicans right now as they are with partial government shutdowns and being told they have to pick up their new Isuzu in Istanbul.

According to the folks at Gallup who poll people on everything from how often they have sex immediately after ingesting almonds to how often they have dated a cross-eyed albino with pink eye, only 28 percent of Americans have a favorable impression of the Republican Party — a record low.

Imagine that.

Granted, the Democratic Party isn’t popular as hell either. But the Dems fared significantly better with a 43 percent approval number, narrowly edging out Bruce Jenner’s plastic surgeon.

So it seems Americans, many of whom still have to ask what time the midnight brunch is, are realizing that right-wing Republican zealots are to blame for partially shutting down our government with minority rule (supposedly the majority is supposed to steer a democracy but the ideal often isn’t real when things are surreal).

President Obama and Republican leaders met today in the White House Roosevelt Room but reached no specific determination on how to end the partial government shutdown or raise the nation’s debt ceiling or export the Washington Redskins and their offensive nickname to Pyongyang where they can be called the Yellowskins.

Siri, tell our government leaders to do something novel and actually do some leading

Siri, tell our government that we Americans deserve better.

After all, most of us are not murderers, are kind to stray lepers and zombies, and don’t download obnoxious ring tones in movie theaters.

So why are we stuck with nitwits in Washington who let a hissing contest shut down our government?

It’s more frustrating than sporting a 1.5 handicap in golf and then going out and shooting yourself a radio station like OMG-106.

Hopefully this fiscal folly ends ASAP.

President Obama woke up from his coma today and challenged John Boehner to prove that he didn’t have the votes to pass a “clean” continuing resolution through the House of Representatives to end the government shutdown.

Boehner on Sunday claimed the House didn’t have the votes. But if at least 22 Republicans on the record who support a “clean” bill voted with the Democrats, the bill would pass and the government shutdown would end.

By the way Siri, this shutdown nonsense merely is the opening act. The second act is the one spewing tragedy like a Pinto once spewed parts: a credit default.

Just ask China, our largest creditor. The Chinese warned us today to get our spit together or risk being too broke to even buy Chop Suey.

In case you have been distracted by NBA preseason games and missed it, the U.S. has to vote to increase the debt ceiling by October 17 or face default.

Which is scarier than facing Peyton Manning or seeing Joan Rivers (with or without makeup).

One more thing, Siri: Please tell our government to fess up and stop playing the role of Pinocchio.

The U.S. government is now acknowledging, at least indirectly, a significant al Qaeda connection to the 9-11 anniversary attacks on the U.S. mission and CIA station in Benghazi.

Today the State Department designated the Mohammed Jamal Network (MJN) and its founder, Mohammed Jamal as terrorists.

Fighters affiliated with MJN participated in the Benghazi attacks.

Evidently the attacks were not the work of pacifist philosophy majors a tad irked by a documentary … as our government once conveyed to us.

Only in America.

With the slain Giants behind them, just who should be the Eagles’ sky pilot?

Just when it seemed as if Eagles’ victories would come along every other pyramid after three straight losses in which their defense did more folding than Boscov’s sales clerks, they hung a 36-21 knockout on the winless, hopeless and joyless Giants Sunday.

Of course, the Birds always are good copy for a blogger.

The latest: Do they now have a quarterback conversation, if not controversy?

Michael Vick, working only on a one-year contract, was making like the Roadrunner with his feet and the Venus de Milo with his arm in the first half today until it appeared that his left hamstring twanged like a guitar string.

Enter Nick Foles, who worked the rust off his right arm with some nifty throws.

Now what?

Even if Vick proves healthy enough to play, does Chip Kelly play Foles to assess his future?

Might be the smart chess move if it weren’t for an NFC East that strictly is Chinese checkers.

Then again, Kelly may think his quarterback of the future is one of the current QB cover boy studs in college.

Vick and Foles are about as alike as Liberace and Genghis Khan.

Vick is a lightning rod of a personality who is a more dynamic, if chaotic, football presence.

Foles is about as quiet as a Las Vegas Sunday morning and is the more anticipatory passer. He actually throws the ball before the receiver is open, a technique that seemingly eludes Vick like biochemistry.

Vick’s has the legs for Kelly’s spread offense. Foles has the quick release for Kelly’s up-tempo offense.

Perhaps Kelly should have famed surgeon Dr. James Andrews graft Vick’s legs on Foles or Foles’ football mind on Vick.

Quarterback depth charts can be more explosive than depth charges.

So insert your ear plugs and stay tuned.