Just how bad are the Philadelphia Phillies this year?
So bad that they envy the dead.
And why not?
Because they are dead in the water this season.
Drowned in their own cesspool of futility.
Or should that be Phutility?
Whatever, the Phillies have become absolutely unwatchable at Citizens Bank or on television.
They do to eyesight what tsunamis do to beach chairs. Which is why they now sell tin cups at the ballpark.
In a recent poll, 92 percent of respondents said they would rather be embalmed alive than watch the Phillies, who play like they are embalmed.
Meanwhile, 47 percent of respondents said they would rather be burned at the stake than watch the Phils. Talk about fans who are burned up over the Phillies’ fall from grace.
Not too long ago in what seems now like an alien galaxy, the Phillies were an elite franchise.
People couldn’t take their eyes off them, riveted to them like art lovers at the Louvre riveted to the Mona Lisa and just waiting for her to crack a smile.
Do you know why the Mona Lisa doesn’t smile much these days?
She’s a Phillies fan.