Follow the leader

As good Americans we’re taught to follow our leaders and watch our parking meters.

Our president says he’s taking hydroxychloroquine to insulate himself from COVID-19 against the advice of many medical professionals.

Of course, the president speaks with a forked tongue so frequently he has to use chopsticks as tongue depressors. If he were Pinocchio, his nose would stretch to Montana even while the rest of him was standing in the White House Rose Garden.

So who knows if he’s actually taking hydroxychloroquine or merely pitching it like a snake oil salesman?

Besides, when did our president became an oracle of health? After all, he’s morbidly obese.

A book co-authored by his former campaign manager Corey Lewandowski said Donald Trump had four major food groups during the 2016 campaign: McDonald’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken, pizza and Diet Coke (up to a dozen a day).

Be that as it may, he is our leader and I must follow the leader.

So I’ve decided to ignore doctors and take a heretical approach to treating my body like a temple.

To keep my liver fluid, I’m going to drown in it hard liquor – no easy task these days with curbside pickup at state stores.

To keep my cholesterol under control and keep my arteries flowing like freshly built sewer lines, I’ll make sure my diet is high in fat, salt and sugar while low in nutrients such as calcium, omega-3 fatty acids and fiber.

To guard against high blood pressure, I’m going to gorge myself on table salt by the barrel, pickles by the barrel and processed meat by the deli counter. Oops. I forgot French fries by the fast-food franchise.

To ensure my back and knees are strong and supple, I’m going to do heavy bent-over barbell rows and heavy squats.

To ensure that my reflexes stay sharp, I’m going to drive in the approaching lane and only cross over to the safety of the correct lane when a heavy tractor-trailer is inches from my front bumper.

I could go on and on but unless you have to be briefed on how to eat your morning cornflakes, you get the point by now.